I may look find on the outside, but that's not how I feel.

Stomach churning, pain sweeping through my body, vision blurred, heart racing, nausea setting in and cramp not far behind. 

But I look fine, so how can anything be wrong?
I can smile for photographs do everything must be fine? There can't be anything wrong when she smiles so brightly?

Wrong. So so wrong.

I spent the morning crying my heart out, out of pain and frustration that I just can't do ANYTHING I want to do for myself. I cried and cried, trying to pull myself together but I just couldn't stop the tears. I cried in hurt that I could once ride a horse and now I can't even get myself into a chair. I cried for the loss of my social life, I cried because I feel deserted, forgotten and alone. I cried because I feel guilty about all the pressure I put on my family. I cried because I was ANGRY, because this IS NOT FAIR.

But I dried the tears, got dressed and put on my make up and pushed myself to go out for the afternoon. I had a lovely time but my problems don't just go away because I want to have a family day out. I grabbed my camera and focused on taking photos. Trying to distract myself from the pain.

Now I am back in bed, wanting to just get the pain out of my body, just GET IT OUT. I cannot cope with it all, constantly with no let up. I just wish people could see I put on a brave face, and try to act strong, when I am crumbling inside. I am crashing and burning whilst trying to maintain a shell that is a complete disguise of my inner self.

I cannot walk.
I cannot eat.
(or drink)
I am steroids that if I stopped I could go into adrenal crisis.
I have a bowel that doesn't work on it's own.
I have a heart that beats too fast.
I have a constant pain that is all over my body.
(all the time)
I am ALWAYS exhausted.

I put on a brave face.
I do not wallow in self pity and feel sorry for myself.
I just get on with it!

But sometimes I feel people need to be aware I am still, very poorly.

Please, know just because I try so hard to put a smile on my face, it does not mean I am any where near okay.

Thanks guys, for your understanding.

xxx