The raw and honest truth.

This blog post is slightly different. Forget whats going on. Forget what treatment I am receiving. This is my blog and the one place I have the right to talk about me, because it seems like I cannot do that anywhere else anymore. 

I am very very hurt, fragile and afraid right now. I am scared of what the future holds. I am lonely. I feel lost and out of control. I have trust issues already, but they have been pushed to the max and now I feel like I can't trust anybody. It's always those that you hold close, that turn around and stab you in the back. Health professionals are people that should be trusted, but they have been crossed off the list too. 

I get A LOT of messages a day from strangers of all ages on different sites asking for my help and advice with mental health/physical illness. I have people pour their heart out to me and I always make time for those people, because that is the sort of person I am. Then there is people I love and cherish and have supported for a long time and will continue to do so. I don't mind the pressure, because whilst I am helping other people I don't have to think about myself. 

I am not a selfish person and I will say that about myself because I know it is true.

I make mistakes.

I am human.

I say things people don't agree with.

I am human.

I don't always do the right thing in other peoples eyes.

I am human.

Human beings are not and will not ever be perfect, it's fact. I am the sort of person that like facts, and consistency and right now I have none of that in my life. It has sent me into complete panic. A lot of people don't know that I do have to have routine and structure in my life in order to cope. I have done my whole life. In a hospital environment I have none of that and it puts me under a lot of stress mentally. Stress that others can process just fine, but for me is utterly horrendous. 

In hospital there is no routine, there is no consistency and there is no structure. My three main coping strategies. On top of that I have had to come of a lot of medication i have been on for many years, only heightening my anxiety. Right now my anxiety levels are through the roof. I feel like I am about to have a panic attack pretty much all day and all night. 

I am not sleeping because of the pain, but I am also not sleeping because my mind just wont stop with the 'if's, but's and maybe's'. My mind is on constant overdrive and it's emotionally exhausting. It does get me down.

Then there is people coming at me from all angles telling me I've done this wrong. I've said this wrong. I've said the wrong thing. I've spoken out of line. I speak about myself too much. I don't open up enough. I just can not win. 

I try my best but soon I think I am going to have to say enough is enough and take myself off the internet all together, which would be sad for me because it's the only connection I have with the 'real world'. It's the only outlet I have outside these four walls. It's the only way true family and friends do get in touch. It's the way I help others. But it is also the way people are draining the only ounces of energy and fight I have left and it's happening more and more. 

I refuse people to put me back in the position where I think I am a bad person. I was there for too long and I am not going there again. But what I do ask of people is to just cut me a bit of slack. I don't always let on how hard things are, but sometimes the emotions on the inside can't help squeezing themselves out. 

Being ill isn't all physical, it's emotional too and that's something I am really struggling with right now. Before you hit me with a message, maybe stop and think "is this really fair given all that is going on right now?"